Saturday, 16 December 2017

Rabbit Shits and Goats

             The first thing that I noticed when I step into that small smelly room was some weird small pellet just 2 cm long with brown and a little green colour in it which was littered all across the room. “Is that rabbit shit?” was the first thought that came to mind. I braced myself and walk on straight into the room, not minding the stench and the fact that I was stepping on shit. Well, I still don’t quite sure what that was. If it is shit, then whose or what does it belongs to? I shook from the thought of that and was greeted by the officer of the facility. I was supposed to questioned a few ex-drug addicts on the effectiveness of the program in the rehabilitation centre. Just helping out my professor with her research. that experience alone was unimaginable. However, the feeling when I got home wasn’t the joy that I was expecting. It was guilt.
             As I sat there at the table with an Indian man in his late 40s across the table, I asked him a question. A question I myself can’t really answer. Something that I realised whether or not I have it in me. It was about responsibility. In the facility, or should I say in the farm, because it resembled more of a farm than an actual facility, they have to take care of the animals and also plantations. They have to feed the goats, clean the stable and lots more things to take care of. And when I asked him about the responsibility that he had in there, he responded with such excitement, like he couldn’t continue his day without giving the goats to eat. It’s because it’s his responsibility to do so. Nobody told him or forced him to do it, well maybe at first they did, but after some time, he wanted to do it, full heartedly.
            When I heard this, I couldn’t help but feeling guilty towards myself. I’ve always lived my life without the thought of the responsibility. Just let the grownups figure that stuff out. It got nothing to do with me. And as such, responsibility isn’t something that only grownups have to deal with. When I was 7 years old in the primary school, I hated going to school. I tried figuring out every possible reason not to go to school. I faked having a cold, purposefully woke up late (that did not work out well), and even just straight up fighting my dad (which I miserably lost). However, at the very end of the year, I tried to convince my father that there’s no reason to go to school. I mean, you don’t learn anything anymore. They’re having some sort of end of the year party or whatever. Then he said, we don’t go to school because we learn or study, but you go there because it’s your responsibility, just as I go to work because it’s my responsibility. Of course, at the time I was throwing the tantrum at him and didn’t really try to process what he meant. So after a long 13 years, I truly understand what he was trying to say.
            Everyone, doesn’t matter whether you are old or young, we all have our own responsibility to hold on. The difference is only how big the responsibility is. I believe, a person is truly matured when one understands or knows that responsibility that he has, and once known; one must carry on that responsibility. A few weeks ago, I was supposed to go to camping to some river forest or something. However, I overslept and missed the ride. I could, however go by riding a bus and then ride another bus, but I was too lazy to make that effort and instead, I continued sleeping. That was the best sleep I’ve had. I had no remorse, no guilt. I couldn’t give a shit whether my leader would be mad at me or not. I just don’t care anymore. Only now, that I realised, it was a responsibility given to me by my higher ups. They trust me to arrive and join in on the camping. And I failed them. It’s the same with any other thing. I have to go to class everyday; I was not forced to go. Nobody threatened me if I skip class. It is truly my responsibility to go. I was entrusted by the university as I was entrusted by my parents to go to school and as my father was entrusted to go to work to support the family. We always look at it as somewhat a bigger scale. As the prime minster, you have to hold the responsibility of taking care of the country and all that. It turns out, each and every one of us have that responsibility. If people were given trust to do work, instead of being told to do work, then this world would be very much efficient that it was before.
            I am truly sorry there isn’t much fact on this. There isn’t any as matter of fact. It has been awhile since I write anything here. It truly does feels good to let your mind roam about freely and write whatever that comes to mind. All this is just random bullshit. Don’t take it seriously, I was also going to write about how our own lives is a responsibility to uphold the true religion of God. But hey, then it wouldn’t be random bullshit. It would be like a philosophical and religious article about the meaning of life. Which is not something that I want to write about right now. See ya.