The first thing that I noticed when I step into that small smelly room was some weird small pellet just 2 cm long
with brown and a little green colour in it which was littered all across the
room. “Is that rabbit shit?” was the first thought that came to mind. I braced
myself and walk on straight into the room, not minding the stench and the fact
that I was stepping on shit. Well, I still don’t quite sure what that was. If
it is shit, then whose or what does it belongs to? I shook from the thought of
that and was greeted by the officer of the facility. I was supposed to questioned
a few ex-drug addicts on the effectiveness of the program in the rehabilitation
centre. Just helping out my professor with her research. that experience alone
was unimaginable. However, the feeling when I got home wasn’t the joy that I
was expecting. It was guilt.
As I sat there at the table with an Indian man
in his late 40s across the table, I asked him a question. A question I myself
can’t really answer. Something that I realised whether or not I have it in me.
It was about responsibility. In the facility, or should I say in the farm,
because it resembled more of a farm than an actual facility, they have to take
care of the animals and also plantations. They have to feed the goats, clean
the stable and lots more things to take care of. And when I asked him about the
responsibility that he had in there, he responded with such excitement, like
he couldn’t continue his day without giving the goats to eat. It’s because it’s
his responsibility to do so. Nobody told him or forced him to do it, well maybe
at first they did, but after some time, he wanted to do it, full heartedly.
When I heard this, I couldn’t help
but feeling guilty towards myself. I’ve always lived my life without the
thought of the responsibility. Just let the grownups figure that stuff out. It
got nothing to do with me. And as such, responsibility isn’t something that
only grownups have to deal with. When I was 7 years old in the primary school,
I hated going to school. I tried figuring out every possible reason not to go
to school. I faked having a cold, purposefully woke up late (that did not work
out well), and even just straight up fighting my dad (which I miserably lost).
However, at the very end of the year, I tried to convince my father that
there’s no reason to go to school. I mean, you don’t learn anything anymore.
They’re having some sort of end of the year party or whatever. Then he said, we
don’t go to school because we learn or study, but you go there because it’s
your responsibility, just as I go to work because it’s my responsibility. Of
course, at the time I was throwing the tantrum at him and didn’t really try to
process what he meant. So after a long 13 years, I truly understand what he was
trying to say.
Everyone, doesn’t matter whether you
are old or young, we all have our own responsibility to hold on. The difference
is only how big the responsibility is. I believe, a person is truly matured when
one understands or knows that responsibility that he has, and once known; one
must carry on that responsibility. A few weeks ago, I was supposed to go to
camping to some river forest or something. However, I overslept and missed the
ride. I could, however go by riding a bus and then ride another bus, but I was
too lazy to make that effort and instead, I continued sleeping. That was the
best sleep I’ve had. I had no remorse, no guilt. I couldn’t give a shit whether
my leader would be mad at me or not. I just don’t care anymore. Only now, that I realised,
it was a responsibility given to me by my higher ups. They trust me to arrive
and join in on the camping. And I failed them. It’s the same with any other
thing. I have to go to class everyday; I was not forced to go. Nobody threatened
me if I skip class. It is truly my responsibility to go. I was entrusted by the
university as I was entrusted by my parents to go to school and as my father
was entrusted to go to work to support the family. We always look at it as
somewhat a bigger scale. As the prime minster, you have to hold the
responsibility of taking care of the country and all that. It turns out, each and
every one of us have that responsibility. If people were given trust to do
work, instead of being told to do work, then this world would be very much efficient
that it was before.
I am truly sorry there isn’t much
fact on this. There isn’t any as matter of fact. It has been awhile since I write
anything here. It truly does feels good to let your mind roam about freely and
write whatever that comes to mind. All this is just random bullshit. Don’t take
it seriously, I was also going to write about how our own lives is a
responsibility to uphold the true religion of God. But hey, then it wouldn’t be
random bullshit. It would be like a philosophical and religious article about the
meaning of life. Which is not something that I want to write about right now. See
ya.
